


these little things define you forever, forever

by klainelynch



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Gen, Mai is the narrator but it's about Iroh, POV Mai (Avatar), Post-Canon, The Jasmine Dragon (Avatar), it's easy to forget just how terrifying Iroh was as a general, the Dragon of the West, trauma doesn't stop just because the perpetrator has found healing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:48:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24560329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klainelynch/pseuds/klainelynch
Summary: Iroh hasn’t been the feared Dragon of the West for decades, but that doesn’t mean that everyone has forgotten his past. Years after the war has ended, Mai sees a different side of Iroh.
Relationships: Iroh & Mai (Avatar), Mai/Zuko (background)
Comments: 39
Kudos: 228





	these little things define you forever, forever

As a child, Mai always appreciated the quiet of a tea ceremony. Everything had its place, and everything was needed at one time or another. She knew when to sit, where to keep her gaze, how to hold her cup, what to say, and what tone to use. Simple. All you had to do was learn the rules.

To say that The Jasmine Dragon threw out every last one of those rules did not even begin to cover the situation. Orders came left and right; people yelled what they wanted before they had even finished their last cup; it was not uncommon to slip on a Pai Sho tile that was left over from a game the day before. Mai was worried that Iroh wouldn’t want her help after realizing that she wasn’t made for customer service— people would get their tea when they got it, and she would be damned if she gave a smile just because someone asked for it. But every time a customer tried to complain about her, Iroh simply threw back his head in laughter that wasn’t unkind and asked if he could join them for their next cup, which Mai knew would always be Ginseng, if the customer asked for a recommendation.

Mai put her hands in her pockets as she sat behind the counter for a quick break. Izumi’s letter was folded up carefully, and it felt nice just to hold it in her hand. It had been delivered last night, a little bit later than Mai was expecting, but her daughter’s excited words made it clear that she just didn’t have enough time to write everything that was going on. Zuko had taken Izumi on their annual father/daughter dragon “hunting” trip, which seemed to have gotten more and more elaborate every year.

Mai knew, ever since Zuko had told their daughter about his own adventures with dragons, that Izumi would want to see them herself one day, but Mai hadn’t realized that Zuko would drop everything and take the entire family to meet Ran and Shaw. That one trip had been enough for her, but the masters let it slip that, thanks to Iroh and Zuko’s efforts to make the world a safer place for dragons, they had started repopulating the world with dragons. Zuko had wanted to find them all with Izumi, and now their annual adventure was almost a decade old. They left a week before Mai did, and wouldn’t be home until a few days after she returned to the palace. Mai couldn’t remember who suggested that she join Iroh in his tea shop while her family was away, but she always treasured these times as her own.

“Your shift is almost over, isn’t it? Make sure you sign out properly so the owner will pay you fairly for your time, ” Iroh said.

Mai smiled at his little joke. The first year she worked in this shop, he had spent the last day trying to convince her to let him pay her a wage like any other employee before she snapped and told him that if he insisted on paying her, she would insist on dumping the money down the drain in view of all the customers. That wasn’t why she came to the shop. Iroh bowed his head and murmured his apologies.

The next year, on her last day, he promised that he was not paying her a wage, but still handed her an envelope that looked identical to the ones he handed to all the employees; for them, it contained their week’s wages. Mai wanted to argue, but saw something in Iroh’s eyes that made her fight that particular instinct. When she opened hers, her scowl turned thoughtful as she realized that he had written her a series of letters, beginning right after her last visit and continuing all the way until a few days before she arrived. There was wisdom in them, of course, but also the warmth and humor that she had come to appreciate. There was no purpose to the letters other than to let her know that he cared about her and thought about her as often as her husband. Mai gave him a rare hug, and every year, she looked forward to her year’s envelope.

“I’ll make sure to do that,” she replied. “You know, considering how long I’ve been working here for the same pay, I’ve been thinking about asking for a raise.”

Iroh laughed at that, and Mai’s smile grew. It wasn’t hard to make Iroh laugh, but it still felt like a victory. Growing up, she wanted nothing more than to blend into the walls, and everyone around her usually let her get what she wanted. It took years to understand that this inclination was less her natural state of being and more of a defense mechanism: shut others out before they ever have a chance to reject you. She hadn’t been that person for a long time, and there were days where the memories felt like they belonged to someone else. Mai didn’t think Iroh realized quite how much he had helped her grow into herself, but she hoped that he had some idea.

“You!”

The sound whipped Mai’s head around and she had her fingers wrapped around her knives before she saw who had made it. Mai was always ready for a thief— they may not be in the lower ring, but that didn’t seem to stop hits on neighborhoods. She was not ready for a small, gray-haired woman with her finger outstretched in the doorway.

Mai wasn’t the only surprised one. The shop was too small to have much of a private conversation, so it had garnered a reputation as a place to meet strangers and have interesting discussions, often with the owner himself. _This will be quite the gossip,_ Mai thought as she slowly made her way towards the front in case she was needed.

Iroh’s face was unreadable; his assailant’s was twisted in fury as she said, “I can’t believe you’re still alive, you miserable creature.”

“Is there anything I can help—”

“I would have hoped the Dragon of the West died a long time ago. That the years of battle and blood would have taken you out. I guess I was wrong,” she said.

The customers looked at each other, startled. No one said a word. Mai was in front of the counter now and could get in between this woman and Iroh if needed, but she knew that Iroh wouldn’t want anyone to take up this fight for him. She didn’t remove her hand from her knives, though.

“You attacked this city— you led all those— firebenders,” she spat, “And now? You dare to stand here and pretend to be a human being?”

Iroh swallowed, and the first signs of grief passed over his face, but he did not drop his gaze.

“Madam, I won’t deny who I am and was. I did attack this city, and many others like it, and I regret my actions every day. This tea shop is one small way I try to make amends— by bringing together people from all over the world.” He gestured, and it was clear from the different clothes and skin tones just how right Iroh was. The shop brought together people from all walks of life; that’s what drew them in, and that’s what kept them coming back. “A conversation over tea may bring us both—”

“What?”

The word, more a bark of laughter than anything else, erupted from the woman and silenced Iroh.

“I don’t want your tea. I don’t want your excuses. You destroyed so many lives, and yet you don’t even know the first thing about your victims.”

She let her words hang in the air before continuing.

“A conversation with you would serve to make _you_ feel better. Oh sure, you ripped communities and lives apart _then_ , but you’ve changed _now_. You’re a harmless old man who brings joy to all!” She laughed, longer and louder this time, and the sound sent chills down Mai’s spine. “Well, people don’t change. I saw who you really are, and if the rest of you,” she said, addressing the other customers for the first time, “want to support this monster and drink his damn murder tea, then go right ahead, but I will not.”

She grabbed a nearby table, covered with cups from a group that had left only minutes ago, turned it over with surprising strength for someone her age, and headed for the door. The surrounding tables hopped up, some in alarm and others in anger. A few even started towards the woman, as if to restrain her, but Iroh held out his hand and said, “Your family led an attack against my battalion in my second year at the Wall.”

The woman stopped, but did not turn around.

“You were not an earthbender, but your two sisters were. You used a sword mostly, though you did well with whatever weapon ended up in your hands. At the time, I was trying to reclaim a section of the outer Wall that I had held onto for several months but had recently been reclaimed by the Earth Kingdom.” Mai noticed that he was holding himself up with a chair, but she doubted anyone else noticed. His voice never betrayed him, at least. “Your attack was a surprise, but you were badly outnumbered, and my forces quickly overtook yours. The three of you fought together, and you made it through the heart of my army before reaching my tent. Very few managed that task. I took down… I killed one of your sisters, and I know the other one died while in prison with you. Only a few months later, and I had abandoned the siege altogether. So many lives lost. Such a waste for us all.”

The woman turned around, and once more, locked eyes with Iroh. Her face was still angry, but there was something closer to that unreadable expression of Iroh’s when she first walked in.

“Do you know how I knew it was you?” he asked. “I heard you laugh, just now. And you laughed a lot while on the battlefield. The sound would carry, and it’s not a sound you easily forget. It has no place in the middle of dying, and yet, there it was.”

The woman left without closing the door. The silence she left behind was unlike anything Mai had ever felt, and she hoped that someone would break it, but what was there to say? The customers looked everywhere, except at each other and Iroh. 

“I am sorry that I disturbed your evening,” Iroh said. His voice was low, but there wasn’t a person who missed a single word. “I think it would be wise for me to close the Dragon earlier than usual, and if you do choose to return to this shop, please know that I will not accept payment for your next tea. If you do not choose to return, please know that I do not hold that against you.”

He let go of the chair and made his way into the back room. The customers continued to stare awkwardly at each other. Mai grabbed the broom and said, “Either go like he asked, or help me pick up the mess she left.” A couple of men helped to set the table back, but everyone else shuffled out the door, murmuring as they went.

Mai thought Iroh might come out and help clean up, but she picked up every bit of porcelain on her own. Honestly, she was glad that she was alone. What did you say to someone who was so violently confronted with his own past? Of course Mai knew that Iroh had done terrible things in his past. She had too, but he had had a longer time to do more of them. Taking down Earth Kingdom soldiers on Azula’s orders wasn’t the same as leading a military siege for 600 days. She didn’t know _that_ Iroh, and if she were honest with herself, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to know him. Was that selfish of her? She wasn’t sure about that, but she was sure that she knew _Uncle_ , and that’s what mattered to her.

As she threw away the last of the broken cups, Mai realized that Iroh could be gone for a while, so she just went ahead and started shutting down the rest of the shop. Usually this was Iroh’s job. He enjoyed setting everything back exactly as he liked it, and Mai was more than happy to count the day’s earnings and stay away from the customers who didn’t get the hint that the shop was closed and they should go home (or at least somewhere else). Iroh, of course, loved chatting with these customers for as long as they wanted. Mai was glad she didn’t have to do that. She just hoped that she was cleaning up everything the right way. Iroh wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t perfect, of course, but she wanted to do this for him. She wanted to let him know that she didn’t see him differently. Actions would tell him that for her. Words were harder.

The clink of porcelain on the counter told Mai that Iroh was watching her. She gave him a small smile, but continued her work.

“I’m sorry you had to take on extra duties tonight,” he joked, but with none of his usual warmth. “I really will have to give you a raise for all of this trouble.”

Mai wiped the last table and made her way to the counter. “Don’t be ridiculous,” she said. “That woman should be apologizing to you. She was completely out of line.”

Iroh shook his head and swirled his tea. “No, she simply surprised me. I haven’t thought about my days as a general for many years. Ba Sing Se has been my home for so long that I allowed myself to forget the damage I inflicted upon it.” 

Mai could see the red rim around his eyes, and put a hand on his shoulder. “No one cares about any of that. Not your customers, or me, or Zuko, or anyone who matters. It’s in the past.” Iroh squeezed her hand but continued shaking his head.

“You’re very sweet to say that, but you’re wrong,” he said.

Mai blinked. Iroh wasn’t usually this direct. He gestured to the table in the back and they sat down. Iroh poured Mai her own cup of tea, refilled his own, and began talking.

“Even though you were not born into the royal family, I think your upbringing would allow you to empathize with the pressures that my family always placed upon my shoulders. I was brought up to be a military leader from the time of my childhood, and I was expected to be the best. I exceeded all expectations. I say that not to boast, but to be frank about how many lives I ended. There are a lot of people like that woman— people that I remember from the battlefield, and still feel guilt over killing or destroying their lives. That’s what that was!” he said, growing in volume by the end as Mai tried to speak up, to refute his guilt.

“I hurt _so many people,_ Mai. I’ve worked through my struggles and have reached a peace with my old self, but that doesn’t make _their_ hurt go away. I killed hundreds of people by my own hands. I commanded thousands of troops, and each of those soldiers killed people, on my orders. Should I expect to be forgiven by those left behind just because I understand the weight of my own sins? No, I think not.”

He drained the remainder of the pot into his cup, but Mai didn’t dare speak again. She could tell he wasn’t finished.

“I was grateful that she laughed. It let me know who she was. I remember a lot of the people I’ve killed, can still see their lives leave their bodies as I move on to the next one. The next murder. But there are far more people who I don’t remember at all.” He looked at Mai again, and this time, the tears had returned. He made no move to hide them. “Imagine how much worse that would have been, if I had killed her entire family, and didn’t even remember—”

He brought his hands to his face just a moment before Mai stood up and brought her arms around him. She wasn’t a hugger. It always felt forced. But that’s what he needed, and that’s what Mai did for him. She felt herself start to rock back and forth and hum lightly, like she had done when Izumi was young and had had a bad dream, and she hoped that Iroh wouldn’t take offense at the only kind of comfort she knew how to give. It seemed to be enough. He didn’t pull away, and neither did Mai. Not for a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea for years, but finally got the motivation to really turn it into a fic right before the pandemic hit, and the netflix renaissance gave me the final push to get this out into the world. Iroh has always been my favorite character, and I love how complicated his past is. I don't think I'll ever get tired of writing or reading about him.
> 
> Title is from Bastille's "Bad Blood."
> 
> Comments are always appreciated :)
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [klainelynch](https://klainelynch.tumblr.com/)


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